Full Circle

So looking like I will be bumping the program assistant who has less seniority then me - she wants me to as she is planning on quiting.  In fact, the day I got my notice, she texted me and asked me to bump her.

It means a downward move for me and quite a bit of difference in my salary.  Also means that I won't be a career counselor and will be staying in the office everyday from 8:30am to 5pm actually punching a clock.

As a career counselor I have been able to go out to the hospitals and medical offices to met with people,  work from home, and sometimes make my own hours because I am salaried.  Don't punch a clock.  

No helping people with resumes, academic advice, presenting workshops, etc.

Just answering phones, taking messages, data input, very routine and boring stuff. Clerical!

Pay is ok, we will be living comfortably on it.  And of course I still get benefits.

The reason I'm doing this is because I only have two years until I turn 66 when I can get my social security.  If I am lucky, the Ed Fund will stay open for two years.  Then I don't have to look for another job.

The other option is that this will buy me time to look for another job.  I am going to apply for a career counselor position at a community college and if I am successfully in getting that job, it starts in July.

Here's the problem for me.  And I know I shouldn't feel this way but, I worked so hard to become a career counselor and came to the position late in my life (44) that I feel as if part of me is being amputated.  I haven't even moved into the position yet and I feel an awful emptiness.  

When I was in high school, I was considered average by my teachers.  Got mostly C's and maybe a couple of B's.  My parents thought I was average too.  We never talked about me going to college - that was for my really smart brother - he was going to UCLA.  Me, well I guess they thought I'd get an office job (I could type 65 words a minutes on a manual) find a nice Jewish boy to marry me and then have babies and live happy ever after!

No one thought I was special, no one thought I was smart, no one thought I needed to go to college.  I didn't even know what the SAT were about.  I ended up going to community college on my own and it was there that I found people who believed in me.  Gene thought I was smart as did several of my instructors.  They told me I could go on to get a BA degree.  And I finally believed them.

So I did get my BA and then realizing what I wanted to do, getting my MS and finally getting the job I am most suited for - helping others realize their potential.

And now I have come full circle - back to the clerical job arena where I started.  Because I'm am too afraid that at 63, almost 64, no one will hire me as a career counselor or that no one will hire period, end of story.

It is a bit of a bitter pill to swallow.  I know, I know I should be grateful that I have a job!