It sucks getting older

It does -- went to a career fair today.  I know that when the folks manning those tables saw me coming, they said, she's too old for us to hire!

I don't feel old really, I know I can do a great job. 

Will anyone give me a chance?  Probably not.

Very frustrated today!

Old Friends

I have never been the person with tons and tons of friends especially when I was growing up and even now as an adult.  I am more of one or two at time kinda friend. I have always felt as if I am on the outside looking in when it comes to friendships.

However, I have had some very special girl friends in my life.  

I met Debbie when she was 3 and I was 5.  We lived on the same street just a few doors apart.  We stayed friends after she moved to Wyoming until I got married a 18.  Then we lost touch.  In 2006, we reunited and unfortunately, it didn't turn out well.  Too many years and too much drama on both our parts.

Vicki and I were friends because our parents belonged to the same temple.  I think me met when we were 6 or 8 and in the same Sunday school class.  We had great times together until we both got married at 19.  She moved to Oregon.  We kept in touch for awhile and I saw her sometime in the 90's. We have since lost touch.

In elementary school I was fat so most kids didn't like me.  They made fun of me except for Sandy.  She was my friend from about 4th grade through all of junior high.  We slept over at each other's houses and did all the things girl friends are supposed to do when they become teenagers.  She was my friend until we got to high school and then, after the 10th grade she and I went separate ways.  I often think of her and wonder how she is doing.

Jean and I met in junior high and our friendship was strong.  In fact, she and I are still friends some 40  plus years later.  While we hadn't seen each other in years, for many years we wrote each other and now we facebook all the time.  

Robin I met in 1972 when I went to work at UCLA in the Registrar's office.  She and I clicked right away and she has been my very special best friend since.  She was there for me when Gene died and afterwards.  She was Will's "Best Woman" at his wedding.  She's the friend that I know I can count for anything.  And while we don't talk everyday or even that often, she will always be there for me.

Mage - I first met Mage when Gene took me to San Diego in 1970.  I remember going to her house in Imperial Beach.  She was married to Paul Hawkins at the time.  I was so impressed with her -- she was an artist and seemed very exotic to me.  I remember two little girls running around and I think someone was trying to make a record or movie or something.  It was very exciting and different then my boring, nice Jewish girl life. We stayed in touch throughout the 70's and in 1980 Gene, Will & I moved to San Diego so I could go to San Diego State.  Mage and I become good friends during those years.  Mage claims that if not for me, she wouldn't have graduate SDSU - I'm not so sure that is true but appreciate her saying it!  We lost touch with each other in about 1991 because well, to be honest, she and George didn't like Dennis.  And I understood that and was sorry that happened.  I often thought of Mage and wondered what she was doing.  I tried a few times to get in touch with her but wasn't successful.  It took the death of a friend for us to finally reach out to each other.  I'm glad, I hope she is.

 There are a few more, but I'll save them for another time.

San Diego

I worked on Monday MLK day so I get an alternate day off. 

On Friday we are going to go to San Diego overnight.  

It is so hard for me to go back to San Diego - so many memories - good and bad.

I have lost touch with almost all my San Diego friends - except Mage and Kim.

We will have breakfast with Mage and George - I'm a bit nervous because I haven't seen them in 24 years.  What will they think of me?  Will it be awkward or can we pick up and move forward?  I hope so.

A few of my San Diego friends left San Diego - my friend Marcy moved to Texas - we keep in touch via email, phone calls and FB.  And Don moved to Seattle and now is gone as well - I hope he and Gene are having a high old time together!

I wonder what happened to Carla and Joyce?  What are they doing now?

San Diego - sometimes I wish I could move back but it just wouldn't be the same.  San Diego was Gene's town.

We moved to San Diego in 1980 so I could go to SDSU.  We lived in a dumpy 4-plex because the rent was cheap and it was close to SDSU so I could walk to class.  We stayed after I graduated because it was cheap and I worked at SDSU and could now walk to work.  I stayed after Gene died but then got evicted because the owners torn it down and built a fancy apartment building on the land.

We had good times in San Diego - visiting Point Loma, the tidepools, the navy ships, Mission Bay, Ocean Beach, Mission Beach, Balboa Park, SD Zoo (we had memberships) & Wild Animal Park, dinners with friends, Don's studio....and so much more. 

We had bad times in San Diego -- the worst was Gene dying.

I met Dennis in San  Diego and a new chapter started but San Diego is always going to be bittersweet for me.

Full Circle

So looking like I will be bumping the program assistant who has less seniority then me - she wants me to as she is planning on quiting.  In fact, the day I got my notice, she texted me and asked me to bump her.

It means a downward move for me and quite a bit of difference in my salary.  Also means that I won't be a career counselor and will be staying in the office everyday from 8:30am to 5pm actually punching a clock.

As a career counselor I have been able to go out to the hospitals and medical offices to met with people,  work from home, and sometimes make my own hours because I am salaried.  Don't punch a clock.  

No helping people with resumes, academic advice, presenting workshops, etc.

Just answering phones, taking messages, data input, very routine and boring stuff. Clerical!

Pay is ok, we will be living comfortably on it.  And of course I still get benefits.

The reason I'm doing this is because I only have two years until I turn 66 when I can get my social security.  If I am lucky, the Ed Fund will stay open for two years.  Then I don't have to look for another job.

The other option is that this will buy me time to look for another job.  I am going to apply for a career counselor position at a community college and if I am successfully in getting that job, it starts in July.

Here's the problem for me.  And I know I shouldn't feel this way but, I worked so hard to become a career counselor and came to the position late in my life (44) that I feel as if part of me is being amputated.  I haven't even moved into the position yet and I feel an awful emptiness.  

When I was in high school, I was considered average by my teachers.  Got mostly C's and maybe a couple of B's.  My parents thought I was average too.  We never talked about me going to college - that was for my really smart brother - he was going to UCLA.  Me, well I guess they thought I'd get an office job (I could type 65 words a minutes on a manual) find a nice Jewish boy to marry me and then have babies and live happy ever after!

No one thought I was special, no one thought I was smart, no one thought I needed to go to college.  I didn't even know what the SAT were about.  I ended up going to community college on my own and it was there that I found people who believed in me.  Gene thought I was smart as did several of my instructors.  They told me I could go on to get a BA degree.  And I finally believed them.

So I did get my BA and then realizing what I wanted to do, getting my MS and finally getting the job I am most suited for - helping others realize their potential.

And now I have come full circle - back to the clerical job arena where I started.  Because I'm am too afraid that at 63, almost 64, no one will hire me as a career counselor or that no one will hire period, end of story.

It is a bit of a bitter pill to swallow.  I know, I know I should be grateful that I have a job!

Frustrated

Arm hurts - so much pain I can barely lift it right now.

Dennis is on one of his ADHD rants.  I hate that.

Work tomorrow - not a pleasant place to be with the lay-offs.

In pain both emotional and physical.

Unemployed again! Pity Party Time!

Damm - laid off again!  2nd time within 6 years.  

So of course I am feeling sorry for myself!

I just wanted to make it to 66 when my social security kicks in for the full amount.

Need to figure out stuff.  

Should I apply for career counselor jobs?  Or give it up and just go the clerical route.

Two freaky years!  That was all I asked!

Nope - powers in the universe have decided to mess with me again!

Pity Party:  Why me, I'm a hard worker, I do a good job, I play by the rules - I know so many other folks that don't and never seem to get hit by this shit!  Just isn't fair.

Big scream !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Random thoughts

I wonder if anyone really wins the Publisher's Clearing House millions.  I sure would like to get $5,000 a week for life. 

This is the week of doom - when I will get my "pink slip."  Do we still call them "pink slips?"

Had a nice time with Kaylee on Saturday - took her to the park.  She was on the swings for a very long time and then we went to eat at Pink's.  For a Saturday we didn't have to wait too long in line.  Kaylee told me when I took her home that she was really tired since she had been getting lots of exercise on the swing.

Had a very disturbing dream the other day.  I think it had to do with my concerns about my job as there was death in it.  

I am going to allow myself to feel sorry for myself for about a week after I get laid off and then move on.

Why do people say that there are better things out there when one loses their job?  Really, how do they know this?  That drives me crazy -- the other thing they say is when one door closes another one opens - I'm not so sure.  

I'm just frustrated because I worked so hard to become a career counselor and.....

Maybe I should go to bed.